Everyone's a Critic
by the Sly Eagle
Summary: Who knew that Rauru wrote novels in his spare time? Certainly not the unfortunate other sages...


Another submission to that ZFA Fanfic Challenge that is probably infamous by now. Therefore, two disclaimers:  
  
Disclaimer 1: I do not own the world and characters of Zelda nor anything that is associated with _Alice in Wonderland_, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Bugs Bunny, or the Evil Warlord list.  
  
Disclaimer 2: I do not usually write this way...  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
"It was a dark and stormy night," Rauru read in a deep foreboding tone.  
"Now, _that's_ an original opening." The sarcasm in Zelda's voice dripped down onto the floor and crept along in a seeping pool, causing Link to move one foot to make sure it hadn't been glued down by it.  
"Comments should be reserved for _after_ the reading," Rauru growled and his eyebrow twitched for effect. Link desperately wished he hadn't even thought about mentioning everyone's boredom. He and the seven sages were stuck in the Chamber of the Sages, awaiting some sort of rupture in the protective seal of the sacred realm to expose itself so that they could quickly mend it with their power. In the meantime, they had to wait. Both Link and Navi, who were accustomed to a constant flow of various stimuli, had started complaining they were bored within half an hour of their arrival. They had been hoping for a game of cards, but Rauru had suggested a dramatic reading of an epic novel he had been working on. Everyone was less than thrilled, but then again, everyone was indeed thoroughly bored. They still were, but Rauru continued anyway.  
"The oppressed citizens of Oponek shuddered under their leaky roofs, long gone unmended as they had no money to. The evil lord Bargua had taxed all their resources out of them since he had slain the king and keeper of the sacred temple. Now he resided in the Holy Tower, gazing down upon his poor civilians in complete condescension and horrible greed. In a tiny tavern, in North Westuk, some would raid their mattresses for a chance to drown their sorrows, affectively giving life to tiny orphans who worked at such establishments… Ah, Saria, why don't you take those lines?"  
"Why me?" the Kokiri sage protested.  
"The part is a small child," Impa explained. "You're the only small child here."  
"I swear," Saria swore. "It's a pain in the ass being 185 and looking like I'm 10..."  
"Would you just read the part so we can get on with it?" Ruto muttered.  
"Oh woe is me," Saria read flatly. "Cooking for bread, cleaning for bread, and tonight I shall be even mopping for that same stale bread. Is there no rest for my tiny, weary bones? Or will I work my death into me before I can earn the nourishment before I stave death off?"  
"Stop your complaining," Darunia jumped into the role of the patron, figuring it was better to get a few lines out of the way now so he wouldn't be called upon later. "This life is hard on all of us, and we all are wasting away. Death should not seem so villainous, even to your young eyes."  
"It was then that a stranger entered, shadowed in a soaked cloak," Rauru continued his narration in his dramatic tone. "Every eye was upon him as he slowly made his way to an empty table and sat down in the puddle he created…Link, you take the part of the stranger."  
" 'k," Link shrugged.  
"When no one else did anything," the narration continued for a moment more, "the old blacksmith got up to confront him, as people were wary of thieves."  
"Who are you?" Darunia snapped at Link.  
"My friends call me Falshod. My enemies call me…Falshod. You can call me…uh…Falshod…" Link stopped and stared at Rauru with one unimpressed eyebrow raised for effect. "What's up with that?"  
"Well, this is spoiling it a bit, but he's the hero!" Rauru explained. "His name must be ingrained in the minds of everyone from the beginning."  
"With a name like 'Falshod,' he'd probably be happier with everyone forgetting it."  
"From where do you hail?" Darunia quickly continued reading in hopes of reducing the sudden tension in the room.  
"Before the stranger Falshod could answer him," Rauru happily returned to his narrating, "a thunderous crash shook the building. Everyone in the tavern, save the stranger, immediately ducked under the tables. More crashes and screams leaked in from the outdoors."  
"What was that?" Link read with mild interest.  
"It is one of Lord Bargua's fiends," Darunia's own reading voice was failing him as well as he realized that he had picked a much larger part then he had expected. "They appear from time to time, when someone has displeased him. Why don't the gods have mercy on us?"  
"Falshod went outside to investigate, much to the terror of the villagers in the tavern," Rauru's voice was not failing him at all. "And before him was a terrible being breathing smoke and flame and terrifying cries through prominent teeth! It was reared up on its powerful hind legs peering around with its large ears poised high, as if searching for something."  
"That vorpal bunny looks somewhat familiar…" Zelda commented.  
"Yeah, it does," Saria agreed thoughtfully, then took out a copy of _Through the Looking Glass_ and began to flip through it.  
"It has teeth like…!" Darunia shouted waving his arms around comically, most likely with such an effect in mind. "It can jump like…! Look at the bones!" They were silenced from a distinct "AHEM" from the author and narrator.  
"As Falshod drew closer, he espied a young woman hiding behind a rock. Unfortunately, the creature noticed her as soon as he did, and set upon her with a deafening roar. In reply, Falshod drew his weapon from beneath his cloak."  
"Stop right there, or I'll smite thee with the **Deku Stick of Justice**!" Link shouted, drawing pause from his reading companions.  
"That's not what it…oh," Nabooru quickly stopped herself from looking foolish and glared at Link as if he had an intellect comparable to a honeybee's.  
"Let me get this straight," Impa stared Link down as well, although she seemed a lot more amused than Nabooru did. "He's going to slay a fire-breathing monster with a highly flammable object? Clever."  
"My hat's off to him if he can," Link grinned.  
"Link, he's using the Valiant Blade, now can you please stop these foolish interruptions?" Rauru heaved a condescending sigh.  
"I think he's supposed to be using the Vorpal Blade…" Saria whispered to Zelda, who joined her in the subsequent sniggering. This sniggering drowned out Link's muttered delivery of the rest of Falshod's lines. "Link, I can't hear you!" Saria called out in a singsong voice, attempting to draw attention away from herself. She hated being scolded, especially by people like Rauru. Snorting, Link pulled out his Ocarina and played Saria's Song:  
"Hello Saria, can you hear me now? Good!"  
"Get out of my head, jerk…" she muttered.  
"Oh brother," Nabooru sighed and pulled out her lunch, as she expected another argument. She had only gotten three bites into it when she noticed that Impa was staring at her with an unblinking gaze. "Uh, you want some?"  
"I don't like Spam!" Impa replied.  
"Oh," Nabooru blinked. "Then why are you staring at me?"  
"I don't like it when people chew with their lips spread open. It's gross!"  
"Well, excuse me!" the Gerudo huffed and put her lunch away.  
"AHEM!" Rauru cleared his throat loudly for the umpteenth time, then continued the narration. "Wielding the Valiant Blade with impressive proficiency, Falshod severed the fiend's head from its shoulders. Once the evil beast lay dead in the streets, he turned to ensure the well being of the young woman."  
"You are safe now, my lady," Link read. "Please, rest easy now so that the lovely ra…ro…rau…"  
"Rouge?" Impa offered, with a slightly sardonic smile.  
"How am I supposed to know?" Link frowned. "What the hell is rouge?"  
"It's pink," everyone, save Darunia, replied, although it should be noted that, since Navi found this quite amusing, they replied completely out of sync.  
"Pink, pink, pink, Pink, Pink, PINK!" Navi sang, deliberately duplicating each of the answerer's own tone in the reply separately. Link heaved a desperate sigh.  
"Since it's gonna take a while for them to shut her up," Darunia leaned over and whispered to Ruto. "…Wanna hear a joke?"  
"Okay," she shrugged.  
"What do you get when you cross an insect with a rabbit?"  
"What?"  
"Bugs Bunny!" he started laughing.  
"…I don't get it."  
"Oh, that's too bad," is what he said, but what he thought was 'Stupid Zora.' This was all right, for at that exact same moment, Ruto was thinking 'Stupid Goron.' But back to the argument:  
"Look," Link said, once he had gotten Navi to realize that nobody liked that she was singing, "why can't it just say 'rest easy now so that the _color_ will return to your cheeks'?"  
"Because it's not poetic enough!" Rauru retorted.  
"Clearly…" Link rolled his eyes.  
"Can we finish this already?" Nabooru sighed angstily.  
"Zelda, you take this part," Rauru quickly jumped back on the bandwagon that simply wanted to move along.  
"Why rest easy, sir?" Zelda read briskly. "Do you think I should feel at ease in the presence of a man who can slay such a beast, sir? Do you think of me as foolish, sir?"  
"Ah," Link remarked, rolling his eyes again, "the token fairy princess…with attitude."  
"Just read!" everyone else commanded, again out of sync, but, fortunately, Navi did not find the word 'read' quite so amusing as the word 'pink.'  
"Why, my Lady," Link continued testily, "you do not trust the one who has just saved your life?"  
"Who can I trust in such a land?" Zelda continued with brilliant drama. "The Lord of all Evil, Bargua, will slay anyone who opposes him. He has beasts that can sense thoughts against him within miles, and will tirelessly hunt those who harbor them consistently. It is not in anyone's favor to oppose Bargua, and therefore it is not in mine to trust anyone. He will take all he will, and wills that my life be taken, for I know the secrets of his weakness. Therefore, only a great fool would see me living and not attempt to carry out Bargua's will. I cannot trust anyone."  
"…Wanna see my sword? It's SHINY!"  
"Link!" Zelda chided, although she had a difficult time stopping herself from laughing. Rauru did not seem so amused.  
"Confound it all, Link!"  
"Oh, come on!" Link laughed. "She said she'd only trust a great fool!"  
"Can't you read it straight through?"  
"Actually Rauru," Zelda started in, "I think the line gives Falshod character, of which he's most desperately in need. It seems like his weak-mindedness is trying to be passed off as mysteriousness, and his 'chivalry' as heroism. He's almost like a complete cliché—"  
"Frankly, Zelda, I don't give a damn," Rauru hissed.  
"…Don't come crying to me when the editors tell you how much this sucks."  
"Can we _please_ just read this?" Nabooru hissed.  
"Fine," Link grumbled, "Upon my word, Lady, do tell me the secrets of Bargua's weakness, for I am the great fool who has come far in search of it!"  
"Hand me your weapon, and perhaps I shall," Zelda read with menace in her voice.  
"Falshod did as he was told much to the Lady's surprise," Rauru was quite happy to be narrating again. "And he then pulled a knife from his boot and laid held this out to her as well."  
"I see you are sincere," Zelda continued her part. "Very well. There are six mountains surrounding this land of Oponek. At the peaks of each of these is enshrined a holy sword. Should all six swords come together, they will become one…"  
"The sword of evil's bane... now in a convenient six-pack!" Ruto laughed aloud, and the others joined in. Well, except for Rauru.  
"Ah," Nabooru sighed as everyone's laughter subsided. "If only Link came in a six-pack… That would be convenient for a lot of us!"  
"True…" Ruto also sighed.  
"Well, I come _with _a six-pack," Link joked helpfully, just before the light bulb went on, at which point he stuck a dunce's cap on his head and turned his chair around to face the corner.  
"I don't understand what's going on," Navi sighed. Rauru took the opportune silence that followed to continue.  
"Falshod went forth and did as the Lady had said, and behold! The six swords came together as The One Sword that could defeat Bargua."  
"Well, that was easy," muttered Impa. Link nodded his head in agreement as he turned around again.  
"He made his way to the tower of the Evil Lord without difficulty, for all of Bargua's men were terrified of the sword. In the end it was only Bargua himself who would face him. As Falshod approached the steps to the Bargua's tower, he called out his challenge:"  
"Ganondorf only failed because he didn't follow the Evil Overlord list. Don't be a fool also. It's only 50 rupees for one copy."  
"…LINK!" Rauru growled in frustration. At that moment, a loud crack sounded throughout the Chamber of the Sages. Everyone turned with a start to see a brilliant light streaming through what looked like a fissure in nothingness. It was the rupture in the seal.  
"Yay!" Link shouted and jumped out of his chair with his sword drawn. Everyone else followed suit and quickly ran to their places.  
"Oh…" Rauru sighed. "And we were just getting to the good part."  
  



End file.
